One month ago today I decided to give up drinking. My intention was just a one month detox, to just get out of the habit of drinking every other day, or everyday (depending on the week). I work in the industry, but being surrounded by it isn't necessarily the tough part-- the tough part is all the connections you make with the job. Whether it is parties or events you get invited to, insider info on new bars and restaurants that are opening or a request for drinks from a hot dating prospect you've met. The opportunities to indulge in alcohol are endless! And believe me, though I didn't drink while working, I made up for it on my days off. This past semester I also happened to be taking three classes, five days a week along with working four nights. I did the math and I had spent nearly the whole semester either hung over or still slightly drunk, and always, always sleep-deprived. I'm still amazed I got As and B's and kept up my 3.8 GPA. But all that aside, I knew it had to stop. I had come a long way from who and where I used to be. Two years prior I was working on my holistic nutrition consultant certificate and didn't drink at all, and simply because I chose not to. I felt better when I didn't and that hadn't changed, I was just in "party mode." I had to flick the switch soon-- not only was I starting to not feel too great, but I was engaging in embarrassing antics (drunk messaging not one, but three guys I'd previously dated in a single night of over consuming champagne would be one great example) and incredibly stupid and dangerous choices (driving drunk, which happened far more often than should have and I like to admit). I also knew it was a problem when my therapist had recommended I take a month off drinking and I said I could do that, but simultaneously thinking to myself "I don't have a problem! I can enjoy a glass of wine with dinner! Or on my days off... Or after a big test... Or mid-afternoon... Or right after I got off the phone with her (well it wasn't that bad, but you get my point)." The excuses popped into my head as quickly as I uttered every agreeable response to my therapist that abstaining from alcohol was a great idea. This "party girl" wasn't me, at least not who I used to be; it was time to start seriously re-evaluating.
Fast forward a month later, and I have to admit, I feel fantastic. I've gotten into the habit of double work outs a day, whether it be yoga and a four-mile run or Bar Method and yoga; I have so much energy and time these days I can't help but continuously be active. I always worked out, but I have to admit while I was still partying I struggled through an hour long sweat session. And running four or five miles? I hadn't done that in months! Every time I pushed myself to run three miles, I got sick. Like getting the flu for a week. I blamed it on the running, but my immune system was probably telling me to quit my 3-10 (yikes!) cocktail nights.
Within three weeks of my sobriety I was also getting antsy to do something that was fulfilling and inspiring with my life. I'd put my holistic nutrition certificates neatly away and busied myself with classes towards a different degree, but something was obviously not sitting right with me. And the sad part was I was far too busy to write or take pictures or travel or go to yoga or do all the other things that made me feel happy and inspired. But hey, let's be honest, I was still making the time for cocktail hour. We can see where my priorities were, right? But without alcohol to blur my vision, I've wanted to begin moving towards a way of life that gives me purpose. I realized I always go back to yoga and healthy eating; I just gravitated towards it. Why deny the path I always come back to? And so I met with a small business mentor for some guidance on where to start, consulted my graphic designer friend who pointed me on the right direction towards building my own web site and met with other small business owner friends who I could brainstorm ideas with. All this was good, nay great. I'd been distracting myself for far too long.
Speaking of avoiding distractions and getting centered, I, like I stated earlier started to do yoga again, and believe it or not, meditate. San Francisco is a hub for all this alternative activity, so there wasn't any shortage of places or people who would join me on my new enlightened path. I don't want to sound too much like a hippie, but I really have started to find myself. I mean it's a life long process, but I feel closer to who I am than I have in a long time. Through meditation and yoga I've learned to really sit with myself and be quiet, to be still. I came to an epiphany that I had been filling my time with things that made me momentarily happy. Whether it be an aimless job that really just paid the bills, a night of fun and reckless drinking, or boys and a merry-go-round of relationships, or quite simply, fruitless trysts. I had to stop looking for happiness outside of myself. All those momentary sources of happiness were not reliable, and incredibly fleeting. Don't get me wrong, sitting in the moment can be excruciating, especially if the reality isn't so positive. But what was worse was continuing the way I was living. Always impatient and unaware; needing that quick fix to feel content. If I could find stability in myself, well, I could feel joy and gratitude even in the most upsetting and unnerving of situations. In one meditation session I found one man's closing remarks and the monk's response to him to be especially profound: "I feel like this place is a safe place with the right people, away from stress, information over load, the busy world, etc" and in response to him, the monk said, "Over the course of time with meditation, our mind becomes our refuge, our safe place. So that we don't have to run away from ourselves; we can sit with ourselves and trust our mind & thoughts." What a concept. To actually find peace within yourself and to be able to tap into it when ever and where ever you are.
In closing, I just wanted to state that I may not have sworn off drinking forever. In fact I'll be in Europe next month and I intend to fully immerse myself in the culture, which without doubt will include wine paired with rich foods. And I fully embrace that. I have to say I kind of feel like I'm on my own little Eat Pray Love journey. My stance on holistic nutrition has never been one of denying yourself, but rather of being aware of what brings you joy and peace. I had come to a point where drinking was distracting me from evolving. I thought it made me happy, but in fact it had been chasing my peace of mind, my happiness if you will, away. Again I might sound awfully cheesy to some, but sharing my experience makes it that much richer and all the more worth while. I have to admit, I wasn't sure I could do it. I mean I chose to start my detox on a Saturday, during a month when I wasn't regularly working, the day before Bay to Breakers. And there was no shortage of parties, outings with friends or dates I had to refrain from; temptation was everywhere! The very night I decided to detox I had three separate invites for dinner and/ or drinks. Imagine being a single girl in the city and trying to date without drinking! It seemed almost impossible at first, but you get creative when your options are limited. With one date we had chai and played Scrabble at a cafe. There wasn't any chemistry, so I didn't see him again, but the date itself was fun and unique. And honestly I haven't been dating very much. I wasn't really enjoying it and prior to my detox I was attracted to nothing but inappropriate, unavailable men. Funny thing has happened, with my sobriety, I've also become abstinent. I'm sure that sounds scary to most, and I didn't actively pursue it (or rather not pursue it, lol) it just sort of happened when I started making healthier, more sound decisions. Meaningless sex, however good (which doesn't stay good), had just become another distraction from myself. Speaking honestly as well, I started to find it less and less satisfying. The willingness to give up casual sex isn't simply because I'm a woman either, but because I don't have the time or desire for anything meaningless. I love sex! Why the hell would I want to ruin it by letting it become unfulfilling and mediocre? Give me more satisfying sex less often over lame sex more often any day of the week! Both the abstinence from drinking and sex was tough at first, but it's actually gotten really easy. The question I keep asking myself is "do I feel better now after a month of not drinking, or in the previous months leading up to my detox?" It's a no-brainer. Truthfully, I believe positive individuals and situations that resonate with me will be attracted to me, and I'll be attracted to them. What could be better than that? My detox also involved deleting a good amount of contacts and phone numbers from my address book . I won't need them anymore. Even writing this entry is a step in the right direction; sure taking the steps to do what I love, but actually being inspired and making the time to write. I feel like I've been purging all of the excess, pointless, often times negative aspects of my life to make room for all of the good. The best example of this was taking a sunny Saturday afternoon to sit at an outdoor cafe and create this blog post. It is rather personal, but I submit it with an open and honest heart and mind. That, more than anything, speaks volumes to me and reinforces that I am on the right path to becoming a better writer, and ultimately a better me.
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