The Third, or Quarter, Life Crisis (depends on your optimism)

It's out there, for those who seek it

I've recently been asking myself a lot of questions. One might say I'm experiencing a major transition which I will term my third life crisis, because it's far too damn early to call it my mid-life crisis. The theme of this transition is  "what do I really want out of life?" That is a difficult question to most. Some might say fame, or money, or love, or simply happiness. But where does one find that kind of happiness, the kind to make you feel content & peaceful with your existence? My answer is surprisingly different than it would have been even 6 months ago. Perhaps it was the 1 month detox of alcohol I just finished that really made things clearer for me. Perhaps it was turning thirty earlier this year. Maybe it was losing a job I made excellent money at, but I detested & dreaded going to. It could be that I've been single for six months & have run the gamut of being pretty wild to now incredibly tame. Or maybe it's the combination of all of these things. I do know one thing, the sooner I ask the questions, the sooner I'll find my answers. And beautifully enough, realizing I want more is the first step in creating it.

I sat through a meditation class the other night & it wasn't the usual monk who was leading the service & I have to admit I was a bit disappointed. This monk spoke a lot about discontinuing to look for happiness externally. He said that we have this idea, especially in Western Culture that the finer things will bring about happiness. Even he, who had been trained in modern Buddhism for years, admitted it was difficult to let go of that way of thinking. In fact he said believing we could find happiness through acquired possessions came as natural to those raised in that culture as breathing does. In other words, it's a hard concept to grow out of. Completely adopting it will be a lot of work, but I like that idea. He went onto say that happiness was not an addition of things, but rather a subtraction of things. Letting go of anger, jealousy, attachment, etc. was the first step. Well that meant I should probably let go of my "attachment" to the other monk, because this guy was spewing out a lot of wisdom, lol. I wanted to start taking notes, but all I had was one blank business card & I completely filled it. It would have been very awkward to get up & try finding something else to write on. Just shuffling around in my purse in the quiet room seemed to be a disruption. I sat pondering what else I had to write on & suddenly someone tapped me on the shoulder & a woman behind me offered me a piece of paper. How incredible that at that very moment what I wanted & needed the "universe" had provided. It was a very thoughtful gesture & I found the whole experience to be so zen. Well you can't put a piece of blank paper in front of me without me filling it up. It seems to me those words were profound enough for me to come back to when I felt jarred by life & I could easily reference them because of the kindness of a stranger.  

As in yoga, in life you must be flexible & stable. You can't be too much of one or the other. Too flexible & you bend too easily; you lack a direction. You may even lack a back bone & can potentially just snap in half! Too stable & you're not open to new ideas. You are rigid and stubborn to change, although change is, & always will be, happening all around you. Inevitably being one of these qualities more than the other can hurt you & limit your growth. Just as in not trying to find our happiness externally, we can not look for our balance outside of ourselves. Balance meaning the ability to stay flexible & stable no matter the circumstances. This is a difficult task & one I struggle with from time to time. Whether it be because I'm internally freaking out performing some mundane task at my job all the while asking myself "what the hell am I doing with my life?!" or obsessing over a guy who is not available or not interested and I'm asking "why isn't this working out?". Well the answers to those questions are incredibly simple. What am I doing with my life? Well, living it. To the best of my ability as I can in the moment. And why isn't it working out with "guy"? Well, because it's not suppose to. Perhaps it will someday or perhaps other things & people are meant to enter my life. Who am I to argue that better things may be in the horizon? The answer always seems to be to peacefully let go, surrender. Let go of thoughts & attachments that are not serving you. Because what more can you do? Live your life in the fray of it all? That doesn't sound appealing in the least bit.

My month with out the fun distraction of alcohol helped me see the simplicity of all this more clearly. I've got to admit, sometimes it just fucking sucked (sucks) to sit in a crappy feeling, whether it be work or relationship or general life angst. Distractions make life so much easier! Well at least in the moment. The crappy feeling will be waiting for you on the other side of that fun cocktail filled night or meaningless fling. I hate sitting in the muck of it. I told someone that at times I feel like a little girl pouting to my adult self that "I want what I want when I want it!" & my adult self has to calm this bratty girl down & remind her to be patient & resilient. After all life is no sprint. It's a freaking marathon filled with grueling miles & the miles you seem to just breeze right through. And at the end of it, it isn't the finish line you're really celebrating but the miles you logged. For every let down or disappointment in my life, there has been a valuable lesson learned. I'm sure there are many more discouraging things that will happen, & you know what? I look forward to them, because that's where you see what you're really made out of. That's where you gain wisdom & grow. Third life crisis? No worries, I got this.

Damn right she did