The Third, or Quarter, Life Crisis (depends on your optimism)

It's out there, for those who seek it

I've recently been asking myself a lot of questions. One might say I'm experiencing a major transition which I will term my third life crisis, because it's far too damn early to call it my mid-life crisis. The theme of this transition is  "what do I really want out of life?" That is a difficult question to most. Some might say fame, or money, or love, or simply happiness. But where does one find that kind of happiness, the kind to make you feel content & peaceful with your existence? My answer is surprisingly different than it would have been even 6 months ago. Perhaps it was the 1 month detox of alcohol I just finished that really made things clearer for me. Perhaps it was turning thirty earlier this year. Maybe it was losing a job I made excellent money at, but I detested & dreaded going to. It could be that I've been single for six months & have run the gamut of being pretty wild to now incredibly tame. Or maybe it's the combination of all of these things. I do know one thing, the sooner I ask the questions, the sooner I'll find my answers. And beautifully enough, realizing I want more is the first step in creating it.

I sat through a meditation class the other night & it wasn't the usual monk who was leading the service & I have to admit I was a bit disappointed. This monk spoke a lot about discontinuing to look for happiness externally. He said that we have this idea, especially in Western Culture that the finer things will bring about happiness. Even he, who had been trained in modern Buddhism for years, admitted it was difficult to let go of that way of thinking. In fact he said believing we could find happiness through acquired possessions came as natural to those raised in that culture as breathing does. In other words, it's a hard concept to grow out of. Completely adopting it will be a lot of work, but I like that idea. He went onto say that happiness was not an addition of things, but rather a subtraction of things. Letting go of anger, jealousy, attachment, etc. was the first step. Well that meant I should probably let go of my "attachment" to the other monk, because this guy was spewing out a lot of wisdom, lol. I wanted to start taking notes, but all I had was one blank business card & I completely filled it. It would have been very awkward to get up & try finding something else to write on. Just shuffling around in my purse in the quiet room seemed to be a disruption. I sat pondering what else I had to write on & suddenly someone tapped me on the shoulder & a woman behind me offered me a piece of paper. How incredible that at that very moment what I wanted & needed the "universe" had provided. It was a very thoughtful gesture & I found the whole experience to be so zen. Well you can't put a piece of blank paper in front of me without me filling it up. It seems to me those words were profound enough for me to come back to when I felt jarred by life & I could easily reference them because of the kindness of a stranger.  

As in yoga, in life you must be flexible & stable. You can't be too much of one or the other. Too flexible & you bend too easily; you lack a direction. You may even lack a back bone & can potentially just snap in half! Too stable & you're not open to new ideas. You are rigid and stubborn to change, although change is, & always will be, happening all around you. Inevitably being one of these qualities more than the other can hurt you & limit your growth. Just as in not trying to find our happiness externally, we can not look for our balance outside of ourselves. Balance meaning the ability to stay flexible & stable no matter the circumstances. This is a difficult task & one I struggle with from time to time. Whether it be because I'm internally freaking out performing some mundane task at my job all the while asking myself "what the hell am I doing with my life?!" or obsessing over a guy who is not available or not interested and I'm asking "why isn't this working out?". Well the answers to those questions are incredibly simple. What am I doing with my life? Well, living it. To the best of my ability as I can in the moment. And why isn't it working out with "guy"? Well, because it's not suppose to. Perhaps it will someday or perhaps other things & people are meant to enter my life. Who am I to argue that better things may be in the horizon? The answer always seems to be to peacefully let go, surrender. Let go of thoughts & attachments that are not serving you. Because what more can you do? Live your life in the fray of it all? That doesn't sound appealing in the least bit.

My month with out the fun distraction of alcohol helped me see the simplicity of all this more clearly. I've got to admit, sometimes it just fucking sucked (sucks) to sit in a crappy feeling, whether it be work or relationship or general life angst. Distractions make life so much easier! Well at least in the moment. The crappy feeling will be waiting for you on the other side of that fun cocktail filled night or meaningless fling. I hate sitting in the muck of it. I told someone that at times I feel like a little girl pouting to my adult self that "I want what I want when I want it!" & my adult self has to calm this bratty girl down & remind her to be patient & resilient. After all life is no sprint. It's a freaking marathon filled with grueling miles & the miles you seem to just breeze right through. And at the end of it, it isn't the finish line you're really celebrating but the miles you logged. For every let down or disappointment in my life, there has been a valuable lesson learned. I'm sure there are many more discouraging things that will happen, & you know what? I look forward to them, because that's where you see what you're really made out of. That's where you gain wisdom & grow. Third life crisis? No worries, I got this.

Damn right she did

Ode to the Perfect Two-Wheeled Suitor

Pretty tempted by this prospect

I can be pretty indecisive, blame it on my Pisces birth sign if you'd like, but on my latest mission of getting a bike, I think I've been nothing if not a wise shopper. Sure I've been looking for a couple weeks, and yes I've met with a couple prospective sellers from Craigslist, and I've gone to not a couple, not a few, but nine different bike shops (I literally had to just count them out in my head and I'm even amazed it's that many-- I'm obviously pretty thorough) and yes it seems I've fallen in love with a bike on more than one occasion. It hasn't all been fun in games, though. On one test drive I crashed into a parked car trying to avoid an oncoming car that was several feet away from me. Hey, I'm rusty. Also falling in and out of love with all these different bikes, yet still searching for the ONE, is nothing short of exhausting! Therein lies the problem: there are too many choices and I haven't found the perfect one yet.

This search for the ultimate bike has almost become like searching for a soul mate. Both seem to have the same requirements. They have to look a certain way, perform a certain way, make me feel happy to take them for a spin, insure I feel safe and secure yet also give me some sense of freedom, be dependable, durable and play guitar for me while serving me breakfast in bed (oops, guess that last one is meant solely for the soul mate). My lovely room mate told me I should just buy a used one from Craigslist on the cheap, especially since it's my first bike. But much like a soul mate, I want to be hopelessly enamored with my bike. I want to be excited to pound the pavement with it, to accessorize it with a basket and hit the farmers market for produce and flowers, possibly prop my (future) pup in it and take him for a ride. I guess I've romanticized the idea of getting a bike for some time now because I see myself as if I'm riding through the streets of some European city with a picnic basket and a bottle of wine in the back heading towards an idyllic park... sigh. See I even fantasize about it like one would a soul mate!


I picture my ideal bike in a gorgeous color I swoon for (like aqua, mint or even pale yellow) with fenders and a brown leather seat and handles with a pannier in the front. It would be a women's hybrid with a step through or a mixte (a popular European style that is unisex) and it has to have enough gears to get me up some of these crazy city hills! 
In reality I want my bike to be a reflection of me, much as you would think choosing a significant other is a representation of yourself. I don't want any junky, used bike (or lover, for that matter). If it has scuffs or dents I want to know where they originated from. I want to have created those scars with it. Isn't that part of the fun anyway? A friend of mine who has a side business of repairing bikes and selling them told me just like new cars, new bikes depreciate in value by like 50% the moment you drive them off the lot. Well, mine won't! At least not to me. That's the whole point of buying one you'll be completely happy with.

Sure further down the rode when I become a better cyclist I may prefer a more professional, higher quality (read: more expensive) bike, but for now I just want the dream to match the reality. Geeze, this really does sound like a search for an ideal mate.
Maybe I should just post a personal ad:

Single Female searching for the perfect bike. Looking for equal parts function and form. Ideal candidate must be willing to let me test ride (imagine if you saw this last requirement on an actual dating profile-- Match and OkCupid would get so congested their sites would probably shut down! Haha)

All kidding aside, I know it's out there. And I know I'll find it. As much as I've anticipated it's arrival, it's been waiting for me. I've searched far and wide and don't plan on settling now. I can be patient, because the payoff will be nothing short of perfection.
And yes I'm still talking about a bike, although I dedicate this post to all those romantics still searching for their ideal; especially a dear friend of mine who I hope reads this and knows this is a shout out to him. You'll find her ;)... and the anticipation will make the reward that much sweeter.

Just waiting for a bike ride

Why not stop and smell the roses?

Someday very soon :)

Buzzed on Life, Not Booze

One month ago today I decided to give up drinking. My intention was just a one month detox, to just get out of the habit of drinking every other day, or everyday (depending on the week). I work in the industry, but being surrounded by it isn't necessarily the tough part-- the tough part is all the connections you make with the job. Whether it is parties or events you get invited to, insider info on new bars and restaurants that are opening or a request for drinks from a hot dating prospect you've met. The opportunities to indulge in alcohol are endless! And believe me, though I didn't drink while working, I made up for it on my days off. This past semester I also happened to be taking three classes, five days a week along with working four nights. I did the math and I had spent nearly the whole semester either hung over or still slightly drunk, and always, always sleep-deprived. I'm still amazed I got As and B's and kept up my 3.8 GPA. But all that aside, I knew it had to stop. I had come a long way from who and where I used to be. Two years prior I was working on my holistic nutrition consultant certificate and didn't drink at all, and simply because I chose not to. I felt better when I didn't and that hadn't changed, I was just in "party mode." I had to flick the switch soon-- not only was I starting to not feel too great, but I was engaging in  embarrassing  antics (drunk messaging not one, but three guys I'd previously dated in a single night of over consuming champagne would be one great example) and incredibly stupid and dangerous choices (driving drunk, which happened far more often than should have and I like to admit). I also knew it was a problem when my therapist had recommended I take a month off drinking and I said I could do that, but simultaneously thinking to myself "I don't have a problem! I can enjoy a glass of wine with dinner! Or on my days off... Or after a big test... Or mid-afternoon... Or right after I got off the phone with her (well it wasn't that bad, but you get my point)." The excuses popped into my head as quickly as I uttered every agreeable response to my therapist that abstaining from alcohol was a great idea. This "party girl" wasn't me, at least not who I used to be; it was time to start seriously re-evaluating.

Fast forward a month later, and I have to admit, I feel fantastic. I've gotten into the habit of double work outs a day, whether it be yoga and a four-mile run or Bar Method and yoga; I have so much energy and time these days I can't help but continuously be active. I always worked out, but I have to admit while I was still partying I struggled through an hour long sweat session. And running four or five miles? I hadn't done that in months! Every time I pushed myself to run three miles, I got sick. Like getting the flu for a week. I blamed it on the running, but my immune system was probably telling me to quit my 3-10 (yikes!) cocktail nights.

Within three weeks of my sobriety I was also getting antsy to do something that was fulfilling and inspiring with my life. I'd put my holistic nutrition certificates neatly away and busied myself with classes towards a different degree, but something was obviously not sitting right with me. And the sad part was I was far too busy to write or take pictures or travel or go to yoga or do all the other things that made me feel happy and inspired. But hey, let's be honest, I was still making the time for cocktail hour. We can see where my priorities were, right? But without alcohol to blur my vision, I've wanted to begin moving towards a way of life that gives me purpose. I realized I always go back to yoga and healthy eating; I just gravitated towards it. Why deny the path I always come back to? And so I met with a small business mentor for some guidance on where to start, consulted my graphic designer friend who pointed me on the right direction towards building my own web site and met with other small business owner friends who I could brainstorm ideas with. All this was good, nay great. I'd been distracting myself for far too long.

Speaking of avoiding distractions and getting centered, I, like I stated earlier started to do yoga again, and believe it or not, meditate. San Francisco is a hub for all this alternative activity, so there wasn't any shortage of places or people who would join me on my new enlightened path. I don't want to sound too much like a hippie, but I really have started to find myself. I mean it's a life long process, but I feel closer to who I am than I have in a long time. Through meditation and yoga I've learned to really sit with myself and be quiet, to be still. I came to an epiphany that I had been filling my time with things that made me momentarily happy. Whether it be an aimless job that really just paid the bills, a night of fun and reckless drinking, or boys and a merry-go-round of relationships, or quite simply, fruitless trysts. I had to stop looking for happiness outside of myself. All those momentary sources of happiness were not reliable, and incredibly fleeting. Don't get me wrong, sitting in the moment can be excruciating, especially if the reality isn't so positive. But what was worse was continuing the way I was living. Always impatient and unaware; needing that quick fix to feel content. If I could find stability in myself, well, I could feel joy and gratitude even in the most upsetting and unnerving of situations. In one meditation session I found one man's closing remarks and the monk's response to him to be especially profound: "I feel like this place is a safe place with the right people, away from stress, information over load, the busy world, etc" and in response to him, the monk said, "Over the course of time with meditation, our mind becomes our refuge, our safe place. So that we don't have to run away from ourselves; we can sit with ourselves and trust our mind & thoughts." What a concept. To actually find peace within yourself and to be able to tap into it when ever and where ever you are.

In closing, I just wanted to state that I may not have sworn off drinking forever. In fact I'll be in Europe next month and I intend to fully immerse myself in the culture, which without doubt will include wine paired with rich foods. And I fully embrace that. I have to say I kind of feel like I'm on my own little Eat Pray Love journey. My stance on holistic nutrition has never been one of denying yourself, but rather of being aware of what brings you joy and peace. I had come to a point where drinking was distracting me from evolving. I thought it made me happy, but in fact it had been chasing my peace of mind, my happiness if you will, away. Again I might sound awfully cheesy to some, but sharing my experience makes it that much richer and all the more worth while. I have to admit, I wasn't sure I could do it. I mean I chose to start my detox on a Saturday, during a month when I wasn't regularly working, the day before Bay to Breakers. And there was no shortage of parties, outings with friends or dates I had to refrain from; temptation was everywhere! The very night I decided to detox I had three separate invites for dinner and/ or  drinks. Imagine being a single girl in the city and trying to date without drinking! It seemed almost impossible at first, but you get creative when your options are limited. With one date we had chai and played Scrabble at a cafe. There wasn't any chemistry, so I didn't see him again, but the date itself was fun and unique. And honestly I haven't been dating very much. I wasn't really enjoying it and prior to my detox I was attracted to nothing but inappropriate, unavailable men. Funny thing has happened, with my sobriety, I've also become abstinent. I'm sure that sounds scary to most, and I didn't actively pursue it (or rather not pursue it, lol) it just sort of happened when I started making healthier, more sound decisions. Meaningless sex, however good (which doesn't stay good), had just become another distraction from myself. Speaking honestly as well, I started to find it less and less satisfying. The willingness to give up casual sex isn't simply because I'm a woman either, but because I don't have the time or desire for anything meaningless. I love sex! Why the hell would I want to ruin it by letting it become unfulfilling and mediocre? Give me more satisfying sex less often over lame sex more often any day of the week!  Both the abstinence from drinking and sex was tough at first, but it's actually gotten really easy. The question I keep asking myself is "do I feel better now after a month of not drinking, or in the previous months leading up to my detox?" It's a no-brainer. Truthfully, I believe positive individuals and situations that resonate with me will be attracted to me, and I'll be attracted to them. What could be better than that? My detox also involved deleting a good amount of contacts and phone numbers from my address book . I won't need them anymore. Even writing this entry is a step in the right direction; sure taking the steps to do what I love, but actually being inspired and making the time to write. I feel like I've been purging all of the excess, pointless, often times negative aspects of my life to make room for all of the good. The best example of this was taking a sunny Saturday afternoon to sit at an outdoor cafe and create this blog post.  It is rather personal, but I submit it with an open and honest heart and mind. That, more than anything, speaks volumes to me and reinforces that I am on the right path to becoming a better writer, and ultimately a better me.