Great Expectations

Expectations. Are they a positive or negative reaction to a specific outcome we want? Dictionary.com defines expectations as: the act or state of looking forward or anticipating. What could possibly be wrong with the act of looking forward or anticipating? Sounds totally positive & almost like a natural reflex, especially  when said expectations envelope a desirable goal. Is that not the process of visualization transformed into realization? Ask any spiritual guru or life coach & they would encourage & applaud that kind of actualization. 

But the problem, my dear friends,  is when our expectations are not met. We are very often then met by the three D's: disappointment, disillusionment & distress. 

Disappointment of course that we didn't get the desired outcome we wanted, wether it be a promotion at work, the grade we sought on a paper in school or the active pursuit from our latest crush.

Disillusionment that maybe success at work, in school or in matters of the heart are just not in our reach. 

And distress that possibly we may never reach those goals that we seek. That perhaps we're not worthy of them. 

What would those spiritual gurus & life coaches say to you then?! Turn that frown upside down! Keep on truckin'! Roadblocks are only there to see how badly you want something! And though all this may be true, it's hard to see the light when you're right in the muck of not getting the outcome you wanted; of not having your expectations met. Especially if this let down has happened repeatedly. You get burned. You get soured & cynical.
But let's ask ourselves what would happen if we took away our expectations. I recently tried this exercise & found that I was a whole lot less pissed about the unforeseen circumstances. Let's be honest, our reactions to situations are a cumulative response to all past & present situations. You didn't get that raise that you felt was such a done deal you'd already envisioned how you would invest, spend & save the extra cash? That can be quite ego-bruising, but realistically would you be as upset had  you not already "mentally" cashed out your raise? Probably not. And the latest guy you're dating had to reschedule  plans to see you last minute? How terribly annoying! Just like all the other guys before him that pulled that bull$hit! Did this guy have a legitimate reason? Like helping pack up his recently  diseased uncle's house & all of his worldly possessions? Yeah, maybe. But there was also that other guy who cancelled without a good excuse... wait, who cares?! They're not the same person (& hopefully the latter one is no longer in the picture)! We have to remind ourselves that not all situations are alike, nor are the people they involve. It's challenging to not be reactive. Seriously, you look up reactive & there'd be a picture of combustible elements & chemicals... & me. But --& this is something I'm still working on-- we can't control the situations we find ourselves in, but we can only control our reaction to them. We can step back, breathe, reassess & realize if it's not this time, maybe it will be next time. Or the time after that. I've found that yoga & meditation has helped me be less reactive, & more contemplative & accepting.

An example of "if at first you don't succeed, try, try... & try again": Dr. Seuss' first published book was rejected 45 times before it ever went to press. Had he given up after the 44th attempt & stored away his typewriter there would be no Cat in the Hat, no Green Eggs & Ham & no gems of wisdom like:

 

(I Love how Seuss doesn't promise 100%. 98 & 3/4 is probable, but there is always that slight chance you may not succeed. The success encourages you, & the failure keeps you hungry --win/win). 

All this being said, we can't let unmet expectations dissuade us from setting goals & planning on attaining them. I'm not quite sure what the secret is to find the happy balance between our intentions & expectations. It's a tricky dance, but one that's worth the possible missteps along the way. Dream big, fall hard, get up & do it all over again, 'cause really what else do we got? 

It all boils down to: the day you stop having expectations, is the day you stop dreaming, & a life without dreams is hardly a life at all. 

A Reason, A Season or A Lifetime....

 

 

They say people enter your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. In so many ways this is a beautiful thought, because you can always be thankful for all the people who enter your life, no matter how brief. Often we mourn the relationships that change or that have ended, but realistically nothing is meant to last forever. People change; relationships evolve; the ebb & flow of life brings new friends, partners & lovers into your life. It's all part of the natural process of growing, learning & well, loving. It can be difficult to come to terms with the idea that someone you hold near & dear to your heart may no longer be part of your life, but think of all the experiences, lessons & beauty they brought to you. They enriched your life in so many ways & wasn't it your good fortune to have met them at all? Better to have loved & lost... 

And just think of all the lessons you learned from all those hurtful, frustrating & volatile relationships that entered your life. Man, if there ever was an opportunity for growth & clarity, it's through those challenging situations (& people) that make you aware of what you do & do not want in your life. You kind of have to give them all a great big thank you, & not sarcastically or begrudgingly, but an honest, heart-felt thank you. For those people who were difficult & made your life more challenging don't mean to hurt you, if anything they're probably lacking in something themselves. What ever it might be, be it respect, peace, or love, how can one possibly offer you something they are in need of themselves? We all have our own burdens to bare & don't often recognize each other's struggles. The best we can do for people who have brought some negativity into our lives is wish them well & say farewell. Let's hope they find happiness, because it's something we all want & deserve. And truly be thankful for having known them, & for the valuable things they made us learn about ourselves.

I am quite lucky to have some very enduring friendships in my life --some lasting decades. But of course through them all, we as individuals evolve & change, & quite possibly become closer to others. I do have to say those very meaningful relationships have shaped who I am today, & for better or worse, I wouldn't change that. And as for lovers, well they have added to this beautiful experiment we call life as well.  Quite honestly I don't regret any of my love relationships, if anything my only thought is that I truly hope they knew how much I appreciated them while they were in my life. Because more than anything that is what matters. Truly loving & appreciating deeply, saying & showing it. And in the end, it really is your relationships with others that matter most. Who was important to you? Who were you important to? Who will miss you when you're gone? Whose life did you make a difference in?

It's easy to resist allowing people in your life. It's certainly a challenge to allow yourself to be open, vulnerable & exposed.
But one can also never predict what role someone may play in your life, will it be for a reason, a season or a lifetime?
There's only one way to find out, my friends.

 

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.” ~Louise Erdrich, The Painted Drum